The thing I find the most difficult is knowing I’ve grown, knowing I’ve progressed, knowing things are different but still finding myself in a place where I see no difference outwardly. It’s this kind of thinking that makes it difficult when you see others progressing… this kind of thinking makes it difficult to truly rejoice with others because you can’t truly rejoice with others if you’re thinking of yourself in that moment. That’s why I constantly have to assess and reassess with Abba because I want to ALWAYS be able to rejoice with others out of a pure heart.
Marriage, Track & Ministry
In my life, I know internally Abba has done a lot of things. I know I’m not the same person I used to be. I know Abba has now met supernaturally with my husband (something He promised He would do 4 years ago) and so my husband’s will is now more receptive to the Lord – no longer defiant – so why is it that there are still no major changes in the natural?
Similarly, in Track & Field, I know I’ve progressed and developed as an athlete but again I have nothing to show for it. I know the season is not over yet, but when you haven’t even been able to train properly for 3 weeks it’s easy to begin to feel discouraged. Like, Abba what’s the point? I keep telling myself that I’m not allowed to be frustrated because my life is not my own, I’m His athlete; however, I can’t pretend that there are not moments where I just feel like giving up hope.
It’s as though I’m not allowed to have any plans or goals whatsoever in athletics because no matter how much I reduce my goals, things NEVER happen the way I expect. I guess that’s my issue in general though. Abba will say something to me (this year it was that “we are returning to where you started…”)*. Okay… I guess that could take place in many ways, right? And it doesn’t require a certain time frame (other than this year) and it doesn’t require a certain competition… I mean, I know this… but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t still looking to run well at and even before trials. To be fair that had been one of my unsaid goals… This year I was hoping I could run close to my PB before trials and then at trials improve my time and make the final… but no. The fastest I’ve run so far this year is 11.85, (3 tenths off my PB). In comparison to where I was last year in my first 4 races, yes I’m doing better, but now I’ve had these unwelcome hindrances in my Body, halting my plans.
I say my plans because again, my life is not my own. I’m His athlete…. When you see a supernatural promise come to pass in your marriage after 4 years, you know of a certainty that God is not a liar. Therefore, just because what He has said for this season hasn’t happened “yet”, it doesn’t mean it won’t happen. These are things I have to constantly remind myself. Did Abba even say I would go to trials, let alone run fast there – no. Therefore He’s not obliged to get me there. If I get there, it’s His will. If not, it means He has another method to fulfil His word.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT
Then there’s ministry (although, Marriage and Track are also my ministries)… Over the past year I have come to really see that Abba has indeed given me something for the Body of Christ and I have been overwhelmed at the privilege of being chosen to receive, scribe and publish this blueprint. I feel that out of the 3 areas I’ve mentioned, I struggle with this area the least. However, this week I realised that it bothers me that even though I have already begun to release some useful teachings / resources, those around me don’t even give them the time of day and would rather go / receive the same message from someone more renowned. Imagine you make & sell amazing curry chicken & rice n peas… your food actually tastes just as good, if not better, than one of the renowned Caribbean takeaway restaurants, but your friends don’t even bother to buy from you. Instead they go to the shop and buy from one of those… You’re not angry, but you actually know if they had bought from you, they would have enjoyed their food just as much. This kind of response makes you wonder how you will ever become international (like God has said), when those closest to you won’t even buy… again though, my life is not my own; I am His vessel. So, I continue to write and continue to release content as He leads me trusting that in due time He will open the right doors for His glory and not my own.
So, this is just me reflecting AGAIN… still in Public Exclusion… and still waiting on the Lord to resurrect me. At this point, I know He certainly will, and I’m no longer so concerned with when. However, from time to time I still struggle with how, but now I am much quicker at reminding myself to mind my own business.
“So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” Galatians 6:9 NLT
“So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” 2 Corinthians 4:18 NLT
*30.06.19 – Part of my frustration was in misinterpreting this word. I understand now that this word was looking forward to September 2018 where I would quite literally return to where I used to train I.e. “where I started” (and begin my self-coaching journey of faith). Abba knows what He’s doing. It’s likely that if I had run better in 2018 and not been injured, I may not have found myself in a coachless position? But this is where Abba wanted and needed me to be for the 2018/19 season.